Sordid Hat
by crazydave11
Summary: Technically a crossover. The twelve main characters from a still in-progress gritty medieval fantasy story are inexplicably de-aged and thrown into the Hogwarts Sorting as though they had always been there. Antics ensue. Since this was written as a character development exercise that got out of hand, a minor theme is the self inserted author attempting to give them an out.


Zacharias puts on the hat. " _What have we here, eh? You're certainly sure of yourself! There's a lot of information in here, you'd make an interesting Ravenclaw… Not ambitious enough for Slytherin, and your bravery, though commendable, a Gryffindor would use it more often. But you came this far through incredible perseverance, and you know the value of hard work. With that, I make you a HUFFLEPUFF!"_

Paul puts on the hat. " _Oh good grief, bravery coming out the ears of this one. Even if I didn't want to, you'd have forced me to put you in GRYFFINDOR"_

Terri puts on the hat. " _So you're that guy's sister, huh? It's fine. I can tell. You're much more balanced than him, and you've got ambition, but I think your first instinct would be to be daring. So you're going in GRYFFINDOR!"_

Tina puts on the hat. " _Another one?! Face it girl, you're the same as your brother, reckless and daring. Ravenclaw doesn't want your guts, but Gryffindor will have your smarts. So GRYFFINDOR!"_

Samuel puts on the hat. " _Oh. Aren't you a little old for wizard school? You're impressively loyal, I can tell you'd never let a friend down. Or a brother. Brave too. But it's too strong. You need to be wanted. Your ambition is to protect everyone. Those traits will serve you well in SLYTHERIN!"_

Herschel puts on the hat. " _You have a sharp mind, one of the best I've seen, and you're almost ceaselessly kind, it seems that you don't want to use your brain for knowledge's sake. Heh, you'd never get past the riddles in any case. HUFFLEPUFF!"_

Renata puts on the hat. " _Loyal, yes, hard working, certainly, patient, perhaps. Go on, join your boyfriend in HUFFLEPUFF!"_

Argus puts on the hat. " _I see you. Another who wants to use his power to protect. Certainly hardworking and brave. But you know, I see you using your power to teach, your common sense and your wisdom are your best qualities. We have a house for the wry and the wise. RAVENCLAW!"_

Mark puts on the hat. " _I don't believe this. What happened to your memories? Your constant quest to get more… the respect you have for experience and personhood. This house is not simply for the strongest minds. You will make an excellent RAVENCLAW!"_

Freida puts on the hat. " _You should know, there's nothing in your head that I can't see. That includes your selfishness regarding your friends and brother. Your desire to never part from them. You're keeping more secrets than the old man. There are many who will take care of you in SLYTHERIN!"_

Nicolas puts on the hat. " _Revenge isn't everything. It's not a flaw to care for the people around you. It's a shame. Your abilities are astounding but you're too self centred to use them properly. But I think you can learn better. Spend time with your housemates in SLYTHERIN!"_

Damian puts on the hat. " _Hahahaha! You'd be an interesting Slytherin for sure. Quite ambitious. But knowledge for the sake of knowledge? That trait belongs in RAVENCLAW! Off you go ya birdbrain."_

* * *

The twelve heroes made their way to the house tables in utter confusion. They had all their memories from their own lives, and the hat had clearly recognised this, but as far as each could tell, they had been, "magically" transformed into eleven year old wizards! Furthermore, each recalled some bizarre experience in a place called "Diagon Alley"! Yet, they did not panic. That seemed to have been instilled in their heads too. For now this seemed like the right place to be.

At the Hufflepuff table, Herschel and Renata turned to Zacharias with a shrug.

"Does any of this make sense to you?" Herschel asked.

"Well the hat put me here because it said I like hard work. So I guess the idiots who don't care about practice are in the other houses."

"That's not what I meant." He gestured at Zacharias's robes, his face, the wand handle sticking out of his pocket.

Zacharias turned to Renata, who giggled. He was adorable as an 11 year old. His black hair was still messy, he was decidedly small for his age, and his eyes gleamed with, if possible, even more innocent curiosity than they had when he was a teenager. She on the other hand wasn't much different at all, perhaps a little shorter, and a touch more plump around the face.

"Well, if it's magic, I'm sure we'll be able to handle it." he stated. He drew his wand, a wavy, bouncy thing made of willow, and if he recalled rightly, a core of unicorn hair. Whatever a unicorn was. "A different variety for sure."

"You're right." mused Herschel. Herschel was as tall and spindly as a child could be. The glasses perched on his nose seemed a little big for him, making him seem a bit goofier and less intelligent than usual. His dark hair was much neater than his brother's. He drew his own wand, a slim, stiff creation of hawthorn, also with a core of unicorn tail hair. "Whatever this thing can do. It already feels like it likes me. Quite familiar." He remembered his magical sceptre fondly, but in hindsight, that had had not nearly as much life as this little stick.

"Yours likes you?" chortled Renata. "That sounds nice." She gestured at the myriad of holes in her robe. A thin line of smoke was rising from her pocket. She angrily grabbed the acacia and phoenix wand from her pocket and brandished it at them. The tip was alight. "Please stop..." she bemoaned.

"Wand troubles?" A tall sandy haired youth with a prefect's badge loomed over them. Renata blushed. Zacharias and Herschel chortled in dissent. Renata scowled and plunged her wand into a goblet, where it hissed. Wait, a goblet? The prefect chortled. While the three had been talking the silver haired wizard at the end of the Great Hall had finished his speech and the table had bloomed into a garden of earthly delights, at least as far as the three now rather hungry youths were concerned. The prefect nodded knowingly as the they stuffed their faces, giving them a brief, welcoming explanation of the best things about being a Hufflepuff.

"Oh, your friends are waving." he pointed over at the Gryffindor table, all the way across the hall.

* * *

Paul tutted. "How come Zach didn't get put here? He's plenty brave!"

"I don't think this is just the house for brave people." replied Tina. "I heard someone talking about daring, nerve AND chivalry." She pointed to her brother. "Isn't that basically a perfect description of you? Zacharias falls short on all of those!"

Paul blushed. "Well, I suppose." Then he frowned. "Why did I have to get stuck with you two?"

Terri punched him playfully in the shoulder. "Haven't you noticed. We're all the same age now!"

Paul let out a deep sigh. His twin sisters would never change. Brown hair, Terri's in pigtails, Tina's in a braid. Both pairs of eyes creased in maniacal laughter. Tina raised a finger.

"In fact, if I've understood the schooling system here correctly, we've actually been made older than you."

"Huh?"

"Think about it. We were born later in the year, but we're all eleven. So… as of today…"

"We're your big sisters!" squealed Terri.

"No…" Paul was overcome. In a shaking voice he responded. "But age, is more than just a number. It's about experience, and wisdom, and…" The girls' expressions had not changed. He realised the truth. Right now, what the two girls were seeing, was a little blonde boy. A sweet little blonde boy with a little squeaky voice, acting tough.

A hand touched Paul's shoulder and he cried out in shock. His long white aspen and dragon heartstring wand had been thrust into his belt in the manner of a sword, and it practically jumped into Paul's hand with a flood of warmth as Paul reacted, turning towards the threat.

"I say! Excuse me, I'm Head Boy!"

"Oh." Paul blushed deeply. He had jammed his wand right into the bridge of a pair of horn rimmed spectacles, belonging to a startled red haired teenager. "Sorry. Force of habit."

"What kind of habit was that!?" The head boy sighed, introducing himself, explaining that it was quite alright, that it was quite expected for first years to be somewhat jumpy, and using the words "Head Boy" at least twice per sentence. Paul's eyes glazed over.

"Haha! He nearly skewered him!" Two more redheads and a dark skinned boy with hair in dreadlocks had apparently caught what had happened and were rolling in the aisles over it. Terri and Tina inexplicably found themselves drawn to the group, and before long all five were laughing together like old friends.

* * *

Over at the Slytherin table, Nicolas and Freida were taking it in turns to look at Samuel and smirk. He was sulking, and had moved away from the redheaded siblings.

"Too old for wizarding school." he muttered in the voice of a petulant child. "Look at me!" His fierce little face was twisted in anger, he had accidentally bruised one of his shins against his stool, and he felt very, very small.

"Why are they laughing at you?" asked an older boy with white blonde hair much like Samuel's now was.

"Oh, it's nothing. I changed my appearance recently and they seem to think it's funny."

"Well, we can't have that." The boy gestured to his companions, his large companions, who rose to their feet and drew their wands.

"Hold on, what are you going to…"

" _Locomotor Mortis._ "

Nicolas caught Freida as she flailed her arms and started to fall off her seat, her legs glued together.

"Hey!" he yelled, drawing his short cherry and phoenix wand from his robes.

"What's going on over here!" cried a passing prefect.

"They're _supposed_ to be friends." stated the blonde boy, gesturing at Samuel, or rather, where Samuel had been. "Eh?"

Samuel and Freida seemed to have completely forgotten their brief quarrel. Both were doing their best to hold back Nicolas, who was shaking in fury and whose wand had made a small fire on the tablecloth.

The prefect let out a sigh. " _Finite Incantatem, Aguamenti._ "

The three sat in sodden silence. A little trickle of water dribbled down Nicolas's face as they watched the prefect explain to the head of house how it was just high spirits and wouldn't happen again, he was certain.

"Actually I think he makes quite a handsome 11 year old." noted Freida. The two boys glared at her. She shrugged. Nicolas rubbed some water out of his eyes. The fact that they had come back when he had reverted to childhood was quite pleasing to him.

* * *

"So, this is supposed to be where all the brainboxes go, eh?" mused Argus, over at the Ravenclaw table.

"I didn't expect you to be here, Dad…" whispered Damian.

"Careful with the Dad stuff. We're the same age, remember."

"Oh, right. Cousin, then?"

That would suffice. Their square spectacles matched, as did their hair and eyes. Damian was rather plumper though.

"Anyway, the hat said I was wise. Are you really going to argue with a magic hat?"

"Well until I know exactly how it works, I'm not prepared to trust its judgement."

Mark, who was ignoring their discussion in favour of boredly flicking his dogwood and dragon heartstring wand at nothing in particular, jumped as a huge soup tureen leapt off the table with a chorus of extremely loud bangs. He hastily sheathed it and whistled nonchalantly as a quick thinking 6th year gently brought it back down with his own wand.

"Case in point." exclaimed Damian. Argus chuckled.

"Careful now Mark. We don't want to go playing with the magic until we're sure we know how it works."

"I didn't do anything!" Mark pouted.

"Well I'm definitely playing." argued Damian. "I'll learn about this magic before all of you, I swear!" He turned to a pair of older Ravenclaw girls. "Say, if I wanted to abduct the Sorting Hat, what do you think would be the best way to go about it?"

One of the girls turned to him with a funny expression. "Why would you want to do that?" She turned back to her friend. A few seconds later, she turned back, her expression pained. "It's kept in the headmaster's office, so you'd need an excuse to go there to get your hands on it."

The other girl had a similarly pensive expression on her face. "But if you left with it, the headmaster would notice, so your best bet would be to distract him and do what you needed to do inside the office."

More and more Ravenclaws joined into the conversation.

"But if you distracted him, you might be able to get out of the office with the hat anyway."

"But then he'd notice you were gone."

"If you knew the password you'd be able to get in without being supposed to be there."

"No, that wouldn't work, but if you had a third party follow you into an actual appointment and then they take the hat…"

"He's clever, but not omniscient, if you knew the doubling charm you could make a realistic copy, but then you're only a first year."

"I know how to do the doubling charm."

Mark restlessly tapped his wand against his leg, wishing he'd been sorted into a house with clever people.

* * *

"So, you have to tap this barrel here, to this specific rhythm." demonstrated the prefect. "The kitchens are just down the corridor, behind a painting of a fruit bowl. Tickle the pear to get in if you ever need some extra food.

Zacharias perked up at this.

"Tickle, the pear." repeated Herschel skeptically, as the door to the common room revealed itself. "Hang on, so anyone can get in here?"

"You'd be surprised how few people want to." laughed the prefect, as he led them into an almost obscenely cozy looking room.

"Oh, oh!" cried Renata, but that means we can invite all our friends in too!

Zacharias nodded. "If all twelve of us wanted to hold meetings here, we could."

"Oh yeah, I thought it was odd how you all arrived in a big group." said the prefect. "Are you, what, transfer students or something?"

"Something like that." agreed Herschel, lowering himself into an armchair which practically enveloped him, with a deep groan. "Ok. I'm never leaving this spot."

The other Hufflepuffs laughed heartily.

"Don't we have lessons?" asked Zacharias.

"Can I have them in here?" came Herschel's voice from the depths of the chair.

"Weird plants in here." noted Renata, poking one. It poked her back and she jumped.

"I wonder what kind of medical effects they have." mused Zacharias. "I mean, uh, we do learn that here, don't we?"

"If you mean Herbology, then yes, yes we do."

Zacharias grinned. Who cared about different sorts of magic? Plants would be plants, whatever the context!

* * *

" _Fortuna Major._ " The prefect with the horn rimmed spectacles spoke to a painting of a rather obese woman, which swung aside, allowing Paul, the twins, and myriad other Gryffindors entry.

"Cozy", commented Terri, peering around the room as Tina curiously read the notice board.

The girls were led off by a different prefect, Paul tapping his eyes and pointing at them in the universal symbol for "I know that me watching you won't stop whatever insane thing you have planned, but at least I shall see it and be able to blame you.", while he and other boys were led up the stairs to their room.

A suitcase he didn't remember purchasing filled with items that he somehow knew were his, lay by his four poster bed. As he rummaged through it, a deep rumbling sound filled his ears. He looked up suspiciously, and caught a brief glimpse of an immense white belly before all was smell and fur and unmistakably CAT.

As he struggled to pry the suffocating animal from his face, he experienced the briefest of memories as to why he might have chosen to purchase such an animal, but then he looked into its face and melted.

Tina was the first back into the common room, with a book she certainly didn't remember purchasing, but would gladly sit and read. A girl with bushy hair nodded at her approvingly. Paul too had a book when he returned to the common room with an immense white cat sedately perched on his head. He could be quite scholarly despite his combative nature.

Terri left the girls' common room and immediately started to sneak into the boys' but then she noticed Paul's immense white cat and launched herself at him, altogether disrupting his efforts to read through Hogwarts, A History. Soon the red-faced Paul was surrounded by cat lovers, all eager to show some measure of affection to the great purring beast.

It was around that time when Tina stood, eyes glittering with enthusiasm, spruce and dragon heartstring wand in hand, her place in the spellbook held in one finger.

" _Incend-_ "

Terri had reacted incredibly quickly, placing one hand over her twin sister's mouth the moment she had realised what was about to happen. A few orange sparks spurted lamely from Tina's wand.

"Not. Yet. Choose something safe. I don't want us kicked out."

* * *

The Slytherin prefect led them down, down, down into the dungeons. Freida sighed. "Ooh, spooky dungeons. Isn't that kind of cliched?"

"Sort of!" agreed the prefect. "But wait until you see it."

"See what?" murmured Nicolas. "Are we going to be safe?"

"What?!" Freida and Samuel both turned to him. To their utmost surprise his face was pale and his eyes were wide. Nicolas, who to their knowledge had never been afraid of anyone or anything before, responded.

"I don't think I like the dark."

"Oh."

Samuel and Freida whispered among themselves.

"He says he doesn't like the dark."

"I know, I heard."

"So what are we going to do about it?"

"Don't tell me you're considering..."

"Do we have any other choice?"

They turned back to Nicolas.

"You know how you made that fire in the hall?" suggested Freida.

"Not particularly, I was just really angry." he replied. Nicolas drew his wand anyway. "What should I…"

" _Thestral Wings._ " declared the prefect, seemingly at random. A slab of grey wall slid open and the three forgot their problems. Spooky dungeon, it was not.

"Nice architecture!" gasped Samuel. "This is my kind of colour scheme!"

"What, gloomy as heck?" replied Nicolas, but even he was held captive by the gently rippling light playing across the walls and floor.

"See, I knew you'd like it!" exclaimed the prefect.

"Herschel would love this." mused Samuel.

"Not if he's not a Slytherin." warned the prefect. "This is our common room." That, to the three former heroes marvelling at their new surroundings, made great deal of sense.

* * *

Mark knocked the great eagle shaped knocker. A musical voice rang out.

"Riddle me this. What is the measure of a riddle?"

The prefect looked on, smiling. They'd told the new students that entry would involve a question, but had left the details to them. That way, they would learn.

"The measure, of a riddle." mused Argus.

"I don't do riddles." complained Damian. "I deal in solid facts."

"Yes, but if you could measure a riddle, that would be a fact."

"Was that even a riddle?" asked Mark?

Damian and Argus looked at their friend with no small measure of sympathy. He wasn't the brightest sharpest tool in the shed. Nevertheless, he continued.

"Because, if that wasn't a riddle, and it was just some gobbledygook made up on the spot, then you could stand there trying to solve it forever, because you think it's something that will make you look clever. The door could have come up with a riddle with no solution, and we'd be stuck outside forever."

He stopped to draw breath. Damian and Argus stared, eyes wide.

"But that wouldn't be clever of the door. If a riddle is never solved ever, then nobody would ever know it was a riddle, and the teller would get no credit for coming up with it." He turned to the door. "So the measure of a riddle is when someone gets it right, and congratulates you for coming up with such a clever riddle, or not as the case may be."

Mark stared at the knocker, which stared back. Finally it responded.

"In the face of a fool, all riddles are wind. You measure well."

Mark smirked and dropped into a flamboyant bow, accidentally brushing against his wand in the process and setting off a few loud explosions.

"I am really not sure I trust that hat's judgment." sighed Damian, as they meandered into .

"Don't worry about it." smirked the now somewhat singed Mark, patting him on the shoulder. "It wouldn't have asked that riddle if I hadn't been there to solve it. That's the point, right?"

Damian made a fairly fruitful attempt to remove his hair. "Gaaahh! It's not your job to be this profound!"

"Wow! Look at the view!" gasped Argus. They did.

"Oh man." laughed Mark. "I can't wait to try flying a broom through one of those windows!"

"Wait, you have a broom?" asked the prefect.

"I think so. Or at least a hazy memory of browsing through a broom shop with Damian."

"Oh! I have that hazy memory too!" laughed Damian.

"Well…" said the confused prefect. "You know first years aren't allowed brooms?"

"Oh. Are first years allowed invisibility spells?"

"Ye-es. But that's advanced magic."

"Ok then!" Damian grabbed Mark and Argus by the arms. "Come along. Let's unpack our stuff."

The Ravenclaw prefect was very confused, and mildly concerned.

* * *

A muscle was twitching in the potion master's eye. The Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws were taking his class together, and so far the lesson had been... he let out a cough as he tried to waft away the ominous haze curling towards him from the Hufflepuff's table... eventful.

Renata gave him an apologetic glance as she extinguished the small fire her wand had caused just by being, and moved it away from the more flammable ingredients. Which turned out to be less of a matter of judgement and more of luck. A surface that appeared moist might only be so because the ingredients upon it had been pickled in alcohol. Zacharias sighed as he turned his attention away from their potion to help smother the rising blue flames. Unfortunately Renata had run out of pockets in which to keep her wand.

At the other end of the classroom, Mark was struggling through his potions book with a look of intense concentration. Occasionally he would mutter the name of an ingredient to Argus, who, with a disparaging look at Damian, half way through The Invisible Book of Invisibility instead of helping, would add the ingredient to the cauldron. Mark's wand let out a loud bang, apparently because it wanted attention. This had been happening since the start of the Potions class. He gripped it tightly in his hand, pleading with it as the gaze of their teacher drifted his way.

Renata gingerly lifted her wand away from the desk with two fingers, doing her best to grind lionfish spines to powder one-handed. Something seemed to snap in their teacher. He sighed, looked around the room for a second, then strode over to his desk, where he found a spool of twine and an old rusty nail. All eyes were on him, except of course, those belonging to Renata and the three Ravenclaws.

The professor strode back over to Renata's desk, snatched her unruly wand from under her nose, looped the twine over the handle with a smug, knowing grin. (Was it a grin? The corners of his mouth had moved, at the least.) He jammed the nail into the side of the desk, smirking at Renata's "Oh." of understanding, and, for good measure, flicked the wand at the reading Damian.

His smirk vanished abruptly as the wand let out a sound like a cannon blast, and with it an enormous volume of purple smoke. Mark panicked and squeezed his wand too tightly, which let off a second blast, Damian shrieked, hurled his book into the air and fell off his chair, and Herschel, who, up till this point had been completely ignoring the chaos around him and demonstrating potion making skills worthy of a master of the craft, dropped far too many lionfish spines into his potion, causing it to adopt a luminescing shade of green, and also to gently rise out of his cauldron and into the air.

The professor turned to Renata. His eyebrows were on fire.

"Good wand." he muttered, carefully hanging it on the nail.

Damian got to his feet and cast his eyes around the room in a panic.

"No no no! That was Ravenclaw Towers' only copy…"

"Only copy of what?" The potions teacher glared at him.

"Only copy of…" Damian glanced around the room once more. A single tear fell from his eye. "Absolutely nothing!"

"Good. Get back to your potion."

The class ended shortly afterwards. In the end the professor had been unable to do anything about Herschel's glowing green orb, now hovering at the ceiling, but the three Hufflepuffs had between them brewed a "more than adequate" herbicide potion.

As they left the classroom, Herschel grabbed Damian by the arm, and, with a stern look on his face, raised his finger as though to chastise him for something. However, before he could get the words out, there was a skittering, ripping sound and a crash that rather sounded like a wizard slipping on The Invisible Book of Invisibility, and falling. So both groups decided to skip the reunion and hasten to their next classes for fear that the professor would remember why the book was there in the first place..

* * *

Meanwhile, the Gryffindors and Slytherins were taking a Charms lesson together. Paul could not for the life of him fathom why the majority of the Slytherin first years were glaring at him in irritation. All he had done was cheerily wave at Samuel, Nicolas and Freida. Well, it couldn't be helped.

" _Wingardium Leviosa!_!" he declared, jabbing his wand at the feather on his desk. Though it could be said the feather rose, it pointedly had little to do with Paul's magical talent, for all he had managed to do was impale the feather on the end of his wand. He glowered at it.

"The professor said it was more of a swish and flick movement." offered Tina, performing the spell perfectly on her first try.

"Well, we can't all be prodigies like you." complained Paul.

"It doesn't take a prodigy, Paul." scolded Terri, on his other side. "Just a little attention to detail. For example, I think it's pronounced Win-gar-dium Levi-o-sa." She swished and flicked her hazel and dragon heartstring wand, and sure enough her feather was sent up, up and on its merry way to the ceiling.

"I don't need you two to tell me how to use magic!" yelled Paul, angrily swishing his wand through the air. The window behind their Charms teacher cracked from top to bottom and he narrowed his eyes at them. After instructing Paul to write out fifty lines of explanation as to why listening to other people was sometimes a good idea, he repaired the window with a wave of his wand.

"It's not working for me." grumbled Samuel, flicking his cypress and phoenix feather wand at the feather before him. " _Wingardium. Leviosa."_

"You're being too stern!" laughed Freida. "Relax a little, your wand might not know if it's supposed to be wingarding or leviosa-ing!"

"Your expertise astounds me." commented Nicolas dryly. "Have you been able to get any spells to work at all?" This he directed at Samuel, who shook his head.

"No, not yet. I'm sure it's to do with me. The sorting hat was right, I'm too old for wizard school. You can't teach me any new tricks."

"Have you maybe thought that it's your pessimism stopping you?" queried Freida, flicking her own wand of red oak and unicorn hair at the feather. " _Wingardoim Levosa_ … Oops." With an odd rumbling sound her feather levitated an inch off the desk, before drifting towards its edge, at which point it dropped like a stone, landing on the floor with a crack and making a deep gouge in it.

Their professor strolled over to clear up the mess.

"I bet you've heard every mispronunciation possible by this point, Prof." chuckled Freida.

"I never assume I've seen everything, my dear, that's the mark of a good Ravenclaw." He reached for the feather and found it too heavy to lift. "And to paraphrase a certain muggle writer, I never underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools!" With this he glanced at Paul, still writing about how helpful other people could be.

"Now Samuel. Give it another try, won't you." coaxed the professor.

This professor looked almost as old as Samuel had been before. Maybe a kindred spirit was all he needed. " _Wingardium Leviosa?_ " he asked, hopefully. His feather twitched, wobbled, and began to rise, and rise and rise. Ve-e-ery slowly. Samuel watched it eke its way off the desk with childlike glee, but the professor rapidly grew tired of the show.

"I think you could use a little more positive thinking there. You want the feather to fly. Try to remember that."

Samuel nodded vigorously.

"Now for you. Nicolas, was it?"

Nicolas nodded.

"You've been watching the rest of the class very carefully. But haven't acted. Let me see you try."

Nicolas's rather small wand looked even smaller in his beefy hand. He flicked it at the feather, which rippled as though beset by an eerie wind.

" _Wingardium Leviosa_."

The desk cracked as the feather launched itself off it, into the air. The class's eyes turned skyward to watch it hit the ceiling with a gentle "pock". The remains fluttered back down.

Their teacher sighed. "There's always one. I hate to say it, but could you try maybe a little less positivity?"

Samuel gave Nicolas a despondent look. His feather was still rising, and it hadn't even reached eye level.

* * *

Weeks passed, then a month. The twelve former heroes began to grow used to their new lives as Hogwarts first years, even attached to them. Zacharias and Herschel developed a fierce but friendly rivalry in the fields of Herbology and Potions, even impressing the teachers with their sheer patience. Renata began to get a handle on her wand's "quirks", it would still heat up if she wasn't paying attention, but not enough to catch fire, and she quickly noticed that alone among the first years, nothing would happen if she got a spell wrong, rather than an embarrassing mistake or a backfire.

Paul and Tina rapidly became some of the most well read first years, at least among the Gryffindors, and both discovered they had a knack for charms, though in the case of Tina, who had been a notably good all-round mage in their own world, was proving she could show that same talent with this new sort of magic. Terri, as usual tended to mess around rather lazily, learning to cast one or two spells fairly well, but otherwise scrounging off her siblings when it came to homework, much to Paul's chagrin, since he was already disrupted enough by his cat he couldn't remember purchasing.

Freida had discovered duelling, or should we say, rediscovered it. She wasn't especially good at casting the spells, but, to the horror of Samuel and Nicolas, she would regularly challenge Slytherins in higher years after nightfall, who would frequently find themselves unable to land a single hit on the weaving, athletic girl with the frighteningly gleeful smile. The hospital wing found itself filled with her victims, and often, Freida. Samuel continued to have problems with his slow, laborious spell casting, but for some reason was the only student able to stay fully aware during History of Magic, which made him briefly popular whenever any student needed to do anything involving History of Magic. No matter what Nicolas did, he would always end up putting a little too much power into his spells. So he sucked at Charms, but was quickly discovering a knack for Transfiguration, where his too much power simply translated to a faster, more stable end result.

Mark too was getting a handle on his rather erratic and noisy wand, but since he was neither scholarly nor magically gifted, he had been devoting his time to invisibly, thanks to Damian, flying the broom they'd snuck into the castle on their first day, using a pouch enchanted with an Extension Charm. Damian had tried to fly the broom, but lacked any sense of balance and had immediately crashed, so he had passed the experience off as a one time flight of whimsy. So he spent his time memorising the contents of the Standard Book of Spells, doing exactly what the teachers told him to do, and continuing to plan his foolhardy "liberation" of the school sorting hat. Argus, being Argus, had done nothing of any note whatsoever during his time at the school, keeping his head down, causing no trouble, and keeping his friends in check.

All twelve heroes had been excelling at Defence against the Dark Arts, of course, since they had come from a world where conflict was a regular occurance. Their incredibly forgiving and competent teacher had a lot to do with this too. But another thing they had in common was that each of them had become absorbed in their magical pursuits, and despite their close bonds before the Sorting, they had been spending more time fraternising within their own houses, than meeting up as a group, like Zacharias had suggested the moment he had entered the Hufflepuff common room. This, Zacharias found very troubling.

One morning, during breakfast, a large screech owl landed at the Hufflepuff table. It was another one of those purchases that none of the heroes could particularly remember making, but Zacharias knew it was the owl he and his brother had bought together. He patted her on the head and offered her a slice of bacon, before taking the scroll that had been tied to her leg. It was too soon for any of the potion ingredients he'd ordered to arrive, so a letter from the outside was a surprise.

To his left, Renata was demonstrating to Herschel a new spell she'd learned for turning water into wine, wine which, to Herschel's amusement, drained out of the goblet the moment it was summoned. Neither were paying any attention to Zacharias as he read the letter and his face turned from confusion to shock.

 _Zacharias._

 _Your existence in this world was a mistake, one which I intend to rectify post haste. I am currently mustering my strength to return you to yours and my own. If you can find a way to gather everyone in one place, at 12:00 on the 1st of July, I will be able to do so._

 _Yours,_

 _D_

So it was his fault this had happened! That blasted soothsayer who had been dogging their footsteps since their journey had began. That made a great deal of sense, but… He turned to Renata. In another world, she would be a queen. They still had things to do back there. She laughed at something Herschel said. They were having a great deal of fun here. The food was excellent. He sadly bit into a crumpet. He would break the news to them later. Later…

* * *

In truth, Zacharias wasn't the only uneasy one. As Paul was walking to his next class, he spoke in a hushed voice to Terri.

"Are the rumours true?"

Terri, who knew all the rumours, snickered. "Which one?"

"The one about Freida duelling everyone with a wand."

"Oh, that. It's not everyone, just Slytherins, and she does it in their common room at night so nobody notices. They have this thing of not betraying one another, so she hasn't stopped yet."

"It's still against the rules though." A wistful look appeared on his face. "Otherwise I'd be doing it too."

Terri nodded sagely. "I know you would." Then a thought caught her and she turned to her sister. "That's it! A duel!"

"A duel?"

"Yeah! Remember this?" She held out a slip of paper to Tina. Paul peered over their shoulder to see.

 _6:00 today. I need a distraction. As far from the headmaster's office as possible._

"No." whispered Paul, horrified.

"The corridor leading to the greenhouses is pretty far from there." Terri winked at Paul.

"Why are you telling him the plan!?" scolded Tina.

"Because it's Paul! He'll try to stop it. Have you ever known him to _not_ inflame the situation?"

This was a troubling development.

* * *

As it happened the Slytherins had another Charms lesson with the Gryffindors that morning, so Freida, Samuel and Nicolas were treated to the amusing sight of Paul practically leaning out of his seat to shoot down or otherwise divert the paper aeroplane his sisters were propelling through the air. It didn't work, he was outnumbered, and the girls made the plane duck and weave through the air. The one time Paul landed a lucky " _diffendo!"_ Tina used a quick repairing charm to piece the paper back together in midair.

The Charms professor looked on in amusement. Yes, it wasn't strictly part of his lesson plan, but there was no doubt the three Gryffindors had been paying some measure of attention to his subject. There was no need to punish them.

Freida snatched the paper out of the air. Written in a messy hand she didn't recognise, or at least, wasn't supposed to recognise, was a challenge to a duel, by the greenhouses, at ten to six.

"They want to duel me?" Freida grinned. She and Paul had used to duel all the time. True, this was with swords rather than wands, but the principle was the same. "Oh, I hope it's him." she sighed.

"They want to duel her?!" thought Samuel and Nicolas with aghast expressions.

"Freida, it's by the greenhouses. We're not supposed to duel at all." Nicolas warned her. "You won't get away with it if it's out in the open."

"So you'll find a way to keep people away from my duel, that isn't against the rules. Right?"

"What have we got ourselves into?!" Samuel and Nicolas thought. Neither were especially good at saying no.

* * *

"Stop! Stop!" wailed Argus as he tried to weave his way through the knot of students clogging the corridor. Bangs and flashes were being emitted from somewhere in the distance, and he thought he could see Samuel in the distance, futilely waving his arms to keep the crowd of onlookers, who appeared to have literally swept him off his feet in an effort to get a good view, away from the action.

It transpired that the twins had managed to persuade Mark simply to be in the corridor ahead of time. Freida too had arrived early and eagerly, and seeing no other challengers around, had launched the first strike, to which the ever competitive Mark had responded with vigor. When Paul had arrived along with the first onlookers, actually those who had wanted to know why he was tearing down the hallway in the first place, he had immediately tried to break up the duel. Since both Mark and Freida considered Paul a lifelong rival, the situation had rapidly escalated into a three way duel, and it was this Argus was exposed to when he finally reached the front of the crowd.

This wouldn't do at all. Samuel finally gave into the crowd and was thrust out to the front, where he fell on his rear. Argus and Samuel exchanged a knowing look and nodded to each other. Both drew their wands, the cypress pointed at Mark, Argus's beech and unicorn hair wand pointed at Freida.

" _Expelliarmus!"_

* * *

Meanwhile, Damian was arguing with the deputy headmistress. He had already suffered a setback, when he'd told Argus his plan, instead of helping him he'd run off to stop the duel. So now he had nobody to lie for him.

"But this is really important! I can't tell anyone but the headmaster!"

"I assure you, if what you have to say warrants the head's limited attention, I shall relay it to him."

"But…"

"No buts now. I assume you'd like to speak in my office?"

She turned away down the hallway, and gestured to Damian to follow. His head was spinning with plans and spells and counterplans and how to get out of this situation, and the hallway seemed shorter than it had been and he was running out of time. Hardly realising what he had been doing he snapped back to attention. He had pulled his walnut and unicorn hair wand out from his robes and was pointing it between the professor's shoulder blades. This was wrong, this was so wrong, he should not be doing this… but the plan the plan, the plan!

" _Confundo…"_ he cried out inside his head. Damian had an eidetic memory, and had finished the Standard Book of Spells, Grade One, within his first day. The other grades, within the first week, and after that it hadn't taken long for him to figure out non-verbal spells like the one he had just used on the Transfiguration professor. Still, he felt terribly ashamed of himself. He'd been deliberately keeping his head down the whole time, and stabbing a teacher in the back?

Said teacher turned to him with a mildly irritated expression on her face.

"Did you just confund me?" she slurred.

"Um… yes?" Damian squeaked.

"Hm, I thought so. You shouldn't have been able to do that." She turned back and kept walking down the corridor, mumbling a little tune that sounded something like "Hoggy warty Hogwarts."

"Are you going to take me to the head's office?"

"Oh, is that where we're going?" She drifted down the corridor and into a wall with a thump.

"Maybe you should just give me the password."

"Oh, that's easy. It's _rhubarb and custard_."

"Thank you."

Damian felt eyes on him. He turned, Nicolas was tapping his foot, frowning.

"Argus ran into told me to stop you, but it looks like you've already gone too far."

"Nicolas! Nicolas!" Damian pleaded. "Can you help me?!"

"What? That's not what I…"

"You're right, I've already gone too far. That's why I have to finish this!"

Nicolas sighed. "Alright, fine, just tell me what you need me to do. It's not like we're supposed to be here, anyway."

That wasn't the case. That wasn't the case at all, Damian thought to himself as they hurried to the headmaster's office. They were invested now. This was flagrant rule breaking but he had to know the truth. He'd attacked a teacher. A teacher! Sure, she'd only sing a few songs and forget all about it, but still…

" _Rhub-Ruhubar-Rhubarb and Custard_ " Damian wheezed at a gargoyle, which promptly jumped aside to reveal a spiral staircase.

"Give me five minutes, then come and tell him about the duelling."

Nicolas sighed and nodded, slouching against the wall like this was no big deal. Damian ascended the staircase, and knocked on the door.

"Come in!"

* * *

Damian entered the gleaming office and his mind raced with questions. "What were the sparkling machines on the tables? Who were the sleeping people in the portraits? All those books! What kind of bird even was that?!" Then the wizard, a wizard so wizardly his likeness filled even the storybooks of Damian's world, stood. His piercing blue eyes gazed deeply into Damian's soul. This was a feeling he remembered, but from where?

"Did you need something?"

"I… I…" Damian burst into tears. "I'm not supposed to be here!"

"Oh?"

If Damian had had an excuse for visiting the headmaster before now, he had long since forgotten it in the face of those gentle eyes. He told him everything, where he had come from, how he was actually a mage in his twenties, and how his memories had been muddled up, and most importantly, how he wanted to stay here and learn all about this new magic. His friends wracked with duty, wouldn't understand, but he couldn't go back.

Then there was a knock on the door. Five minutes had passed. Damian covered his mouth with both hands. Had he really blurted out all his grievances? Worse, the wizard standing before him with eyebrows raised seemed to have believed every word of it!

"Enter." mumbled the headmaster.

"Sir, sir! There's a huge fight by the greenhouses, you have to come and stop it!"

"He knows when you're lying." thought Damian. "Don't do it. Stop."

But the headmaster simply nodded and walked past Damian in order to follow Nicolas.

"Remember. Above all, Hogwarts is a place of learning. Your problem doesn't seem to be one I can solve, but should you find the time, I would hear more about your world."

The door clicked shut and Damian was left alone in the office. "Did he... Did he just..." Awe and fear gave way to rage. What a drama queen! Did he just pretend to believe Nicolas so he could make a climactic exit? That... that wizard!

" _Gemino._ " Damian performed the doubling charm not only on the Sorting Hat, but also on a couple of the least spectacular books on the head's shelves. The ones that wouldn't be missed. Tucking the hat into his robes and the books under his arms, he made a break for it.

* * *

Zacharias and his fellow Hufflepuffs had been doing their Transfiguration homework in the library so had missed the commotion caused by the illegal duel. His thoughts were still lingering on the letter he'd received at breakfast, so he was only half participating in the conversation they were having as they made their way back to the common room. The first he knew about the situation was when he turned a corner and Damian barreled into him, laughing maniacally.

"What?!" he yelped, barely keeping his footing. Damian gasped.

"Zacharias! Herschel! Renata! This is perfect! A place! Your place!"

"Wait, wait, wait, what's perfect?" A confused Herschel cut across his rambling.

"To put these, to keep them! It can't be where I sleep!"

"You stole them!" accused Renata.

"Ok, slow down. Exactly what happened?" demanded Zacharias.

Damian realised what he'd felt in the headmaster's office when he felt it again. Zacharias's deep green eyes were no less piercing, no less questioning. He couldn't lie to him either, he realised. He pulled the sorting hat from his robes and showed it to them. He couldn't even recall why he'd stolen it in the first place.

"I told the head everything. He knows about us, but I don't think he cares, and he was so nice! He doesn't know I have these, and I don't want him to."

Zacharias let out a chuckle, and then, as Damian, weeping, explained the lengths he'd gone to to get this far, all the mistakes he'd made, all the people he'd involved, Zacharias laughed more and more.

"I thought I'd lost them to these daft houses and silly stick waving, but it's just the same. You're all still a bunch of fools." His housemates smiled at him, and Damian broke off the waterworks to crack a grin.

"You heard him. They're by the greenhouses." Zacharias gestured to Renata and Herschel. "Go talk some sense into Grandpa. Meet me back at the common room." He turned to Damian. "Come along then."

* * *

The Hufflepuff common room was packed that evening, but not with Hufflepuffs, many of whom had generously gone to their dormitories to leave space for Zacharias and his friends to sit in a circle, a big table laden with snacks Terri and Tina had filched from the kitchen. Nicolas and Herschel had each taken one of the books from the office to read.

" _Bee in your bonnet?_ " asked the voice in Damian's head. He was sitting with an expression of deep concentration, the stolen Sorting Hat perched on his head.

"More like a swarm." he thought. "Ok, first question. Why on Earth did you make Mark a Ravenclaw?!"

" _You know, I'm not really at liberty to discuss the sorting of other students with you. Let's just say that I occasionally pick students smart enough to NOT sneak into the headmaster's office and steal his things."_

Damian sagged in his seat. "Ok, second question."

" _Just how many questions do you have!?_ " complained the hat. " _For the record, that was a rhetorical question and I know that the answer is four hundred and nine._ "

Zacharias smiled at his friends. This was good. This was nice. The letter had told him to gather everyone together into one place, on the 1st of July. It had neglected to mention _which_ 1st of July. They could decide that later. They may have to work to avoid meeting on 1sts of July from now on. Staying in the wizarding world might be worth their time after all.

Nicolas's voice cut through the peace. "Ok, what the fuck is a horcrux!? Sweet Goddess! Damian where did you get this book!?"


End file.
